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Category: Poetry and Creative Writing

On Feeling Alone…

On Feeling Alone…

There is a place in my head where I feel alone. It’s like a cold, dark cave in which I find myself trapped, and no one is there with me. I can see everyone else. Not through a hole, but more as just a general awareness that everyone else is happy, living the good life, except here I am, apart… alone….

I don’t know how to get out of this dark cave. As I look up, I see the mouth of the cave is wide open, and light floods in through it, whispering of the joy that can be found outside the cave. I truly want to get there, to leave this place behind, but… how do I take that first step?

I feel paralyzed. Like that moment when you wake up in the middle of the night and think about getting up, but don’t feel like you have the ability to do so, because your brain is still telling you that you’re asleep. Sleep paralysis…. I can’t move…. I’m just stuck.

Only a few friends notice when I’m trapped in the cave. They may ask me what’s wrong, but I shrug it off. In part because I don’t have the words to express how I feel. In part because I don’t have the energy to handle their follow-up questions. Or perhaps I’m simply too afraid to share the truth. I don’t want people to worry about me or to delve too deep into the places where I myself am afraid to go. So I tell them I’m fine, just a little tired.

I feel so alone in this place. Not because people don’t love me, but because I can’t open myself up to them. And because I’m too nervous with my own feelings to even explore them. It feels like there’s a chasm waiting right in front of me, and if I explore my thoughts too closely, I’ll fall off the side of that cliff into that chasm. So… it’s easier to stuff my thoughts away. It’s easier to sleep them off. It’s easier to ignore them as I spend all night watching Netflix. I’m afraid of my thoughts and emotions, so I turn around and walk away.

But I can’t keep this up…. Deep down, I know that I must confront my fears, confront the emotions and insecurities. I can’t choose isolation forever. I must bring my friends into the process. But how? How do I choose courage? How do I let myself get so close to that cliff? How do I make these useless feet work so that I can walk out of the cave and into the light?

Sometimes it really does feel hopeless…. Those questions are too hard to answer, too scary to approach. Still, I can’t hide forever. I can’t live my life in a vegetative state. If I truly want to live, I know I must approach these topics, no matter how hard that seems. So… where do I start? How do I move forward?

Seeking a New Homeland

Seeking a New Homeland

She was looking for it: the Promised Land. A new beginning. A new homeland. A place where she could dwell in peace, with a new future.

She still remembered where she came from. She remembered that place of abuse, constant fear, and apparent powerlessness. It took her so long to realize that she could leave that place and go in search of a new homeland. She knew the journey would harbor great challenges and a multitude of obstacles. But she wouldn’t give up.

Looking at her, you could tell she wanted to keep moving forward. Yes, there were some days she thought of turning back, some days when she hesitated, but instead she chose to cling to the promises of Him who is faithful. She assured herself that her hopes would come true. She had faith.

If she had been thinking about the land that she had left behind, she would have had the opportunity to return. But as it was, she desired a better country. She knew her Maker had prepared a city for her. And so she set out, though she knew not exactly where it was. But she knew He would lead her.

Hebrews 11

The Whisper of Hope

The Whisper of Hope

Mire… a stretch of swampy, boggy land.

To be mired down… to be stuck in the mud.

It’s been one year now. One full year in the mire. One year trapped in this mud. My friends tell me to just pray some more. Just keep reading the Bible. But the mire tells me: that’s not an option. And I feel consumed by it.

There is hope. The sun glimmers behind the clouds. Slowly. Surely. Steady.

I am surrounded by this mud, sinking in it, but by chance my eyes lift up and I see the sun glimmering behind the clouds. The sun is still there. Everything around me is gray and black, but there… there is light… just behind the clouds….

It’s just a glimmer. A faint promise of better days. And it’s enough to keep me going. Just a little longer. 

 


Thanks for reading my post! This was the first post I ever published on this blog, and it shares the vision behind our name, Hope Mire.

Here are some other beautiful posts that share more Hope Mire’s blog identity, as well as some of my personal story. Thanks for visiting!